i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
