He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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