a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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