He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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