how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
