My first STD was from a foam party
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
