He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize