This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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