I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
