he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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