apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
