I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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