So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
