one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
