Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
