Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize