Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
