my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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