is your mom at the bar?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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