guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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