I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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