i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
