You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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