Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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