There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
