your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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