we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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