If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
