just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
