I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize