They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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