Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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