i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
