just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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