i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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