No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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