dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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