make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
