yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
