I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
