My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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