i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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