So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
