It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
