I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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