is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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