You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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