She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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