please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
