Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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