i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
