I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she peed on how many people?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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