I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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