My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
