worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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