I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
