Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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